The ‘Unchosen Life’: Why ‘New Normal’ Just Doesn’t Cut It

By:Alex Fernandez

Let’s talk about this phrase that I’m sure many of my fellow widows and widowers have heard countless times. "This is your new normal," or worse, "You have to find a way to get used to your new normal," people say with a sympathetic head tilt, as if that magical little phrase is supposed to make me feel better about the fact that my entire world got flipped upside down and set on fire. Spoiler alert: It doesn't.

Now, for my non-widowed friends, don’t worry, I’m not about to rip you apart. I get it. You’re trying to help. You want to make sense of something that, frankly, makes no sense at all. You think “new normal” is a way of saying, “Hey, life’s different now, but you’ll get through it.” And I appreciate the sentiment, I really do. But let me break down why that phrase doesn’t sit quite the way you think it does.

The First Time I Heard It

The first time I ever encountered this phrase that I’ve come to despise was about 9 years ago, shortly after receiving the news that my husband would never be coming home. I must have heard this diabolical phrase hundreds of times within the first 48 hours of my world being turned on its head.

Not once did it give me comfort. It didn’t change the outcome. It didn’t magically make me—or my kids—see our lives in a different, sparkly way. Instead, it just echoed around me, like a broken record reminding me that life as I knew it was gone. And this was supposed to be the silver lining? No, thanks.

The Phrase That Shall Not Be Named

For those of us who’ve lost a spouse, the concept of a “new normal” feels like trying to put a pretty little bow on a bomb explosion. It’s like saying, “Hey, your house blew up, but look at all this open space you have now!

Great for fresh air, right?” Um, no. This is not just a shift. This is life-shattering. And I’m not just learning to adjust to a new way of living, I’m learning to live without my person.

And let's get real—there's nothing “normal” about any of this. My daily life is a messy rollercoaster of emotions, unexpected breakdowns, moments of strength I didn’t know I had, and then back to crying over the fact that I still can’t figure out how to fix that damn leaky faucet. And guess what? There's no exiting this ride. Normal? Please.

Widows/Widowers: You Know What I Mean

Fellow widow(er)s, I see you. You’ve been there, too—nodding politely when someone says, “New normal,” while internally screaming, “What part of this is normal?!”

It’s okay to be frustrated with it. You’re not alone. You’re out there, kicking ass in this unpredictable world of solo parenting, solo surviving, and figuring out all the stuff you never thought you’d have to deal with on your own. You’re allowed to hate the idea that this is your “new normal,” because, quite frankly, you didn’t ask for this new anything.

And let me be clear: telling a widow(er) that they should “learn to adjust” to this “new norm-fucking life” is not helpful. It’s almost like saying, “Get over it and deal.” Newsflash: We’re dealing every single day, and no, there’s no manual that magically appeared with this life, either. We’re navigating this on our own, one day, one mess, and one meltdown at a time.

There’s no manual for this, but I can assure you, one thing you’re definitely not is “normal.” You’re resilient, brave, tired, strong, and sarcastic (probably why we’re friends). You are many things, but normal? Nah, let’s ditch that word.

For the Non-Widows Out There

Okay, so maybe you’ve said “new normal” before, or maybe you were thinking about it. No hard feelings—we know you mean well. But here’s the deal: We’d much rather you say, “This sucks, and I’m here with you,” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m listening.” Trust me, we don’t need clever phrases to remind us that our lives are different. We live that reality every single day.

If you really want to help, just show up. Bring over a bottle of wine, offer to watch the kids for a night, or show up with your toolbox because that leaky faucet isn’t fixing itself. But most importantly, don’t feel like you need to say anything profound. Sometimes, the best thing to say is nothing at all.

Living the Unchosen Life

When asked about your "Unchosen Life" (NN), the truth is we’re all just trying to get out of bed every day, find purpose and meaning, show up for ourselves and our kids (for those of us with them), and take it one damn minute at a time. Through it all, we’re not "adjusting" to some shiny new life—we’re figuring out how to live without our Old Normal, and that’s no easy task. But we’re doing it, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, because that’s all we can muster. And we do it in our own way.

This life is not easy (no, no pity party here—just reality talking), but the fact that you got up and are trying your fucking damnedest to adjust (without that damn manual) to this Unchosen Life, that’s definitely something you should be proud of.

What’s the one phrase you’re tired of hearing? Share your story in the comments.
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